Sad

My heart is so sad right now. Over the last few weeks I have heard countless stories that just break my heart. Both my hurt and the hurt of others can make me feel so overwhelmed. I am amazed at how much pain we suffer in this life and how we still, somehow are able to overcome and have moments where we really live. Sometimes I don't want to be an adult. I want to go back to childhood to the moments where I was carefree. But even when I think back to that, I realize that life was still painful and I now still suffer the wounds that began in childhood. I feel like the more people you know in life the more pain you can feel because you enter into other people's stories that aren't perfect, who suffer. And relationships themselves are painful. These are the times I feel a strong push to allow myself to mourn. To realize that life, myself, my family and friends are not all that I expected. God is not what I expected. And yet there is still beauty, there are still moments of joy and freedom that are glorious because they are escapes from pain.

But today I hurt. I hurt for myself, for the things that have happened to me and for the things that I have caused that are not beautiful at all. I hurt for the stories of others, the circumstances they are in, either afflicted on them mercilessly or based minorly on things they have chosen. It cannot be escaped. I cannot change these circumstances for my friends or myself. But I can enter the fears it brings up in me, and notice the ways that I constantly try to distract myself rather than face the reality: it hurts and I need to mourn. But sometimes there aren't tears. What do you do when there are no tears? Can you still mourn?

I appreciate when friends share their pain because it is connecting. It helps me to know I am not the only one who suffers, the only one who makes poor decisions, the only one who feels like they sometimes have to pretend like they are okay or people will think they are too much.

So today I am sad. I am sad for your story and sad for mine. I wish things were different, that we felt different. But I have learned so much. And so have you and I am glad we can share what we have learned and know that we will never know it all but we get to be on the journey together.