Preparation

It is  3:24 a.m., not a time I usually witness nor am up to tell about. I have been awake since 1 and got out of bed at 2:45 to get a snack and get my mind off not sleeping, and all the other things running through my mind like what kind of curtains to buy and accent colors for the nursery. Things I don't really want to be thinking about at 3:24, because I want to be sleeping!

Our culture is strange in the ways that we prepare for something monumental. We have been so blessed and gifted by others giving to us in this season to welcome a new little one into our home. We have so may new material things that the babe will need (and others are not needs but I guess satisfy wants). We have prepared for the birth by taking classes and reading books, talking to others and asking advice. But really, how do you emotionally and spiritually prepare to have a new soul enter your life--and one you are responsible to foster?

Bob and I have been married nearly 7 years and the Lord has worked tremendously in each of our hearts weeding out much of the gunk, giving us new experiences in which to know him and ourselves, to grow and change. But there is still so much there, so much more I thought would be different by the time I became a parent, so much pain and pockets I hoped would be changed in me. Graciously, the Lord has reminded me lately that the best way to be a good parent is to allow him to work in me. Reading multiple books and learning different strategies may have some helpful outcomes, but it will be my own personal growth that will help me to be present and compassionate and faithful to the life of our child. I am sobered by the reality that is before me. I am tired already--tired because I can't sleep and tired because I fret so much about things that I can't control. I guess it is all part of the preparation. For me, every step of the journey has been one of surrender and it continues to be that way. It never ceases to amaze me that becoming an adult means more of  a realization that you have less control than you thought you would. That surrender is still incredibly scary to me but really leads me into knowing God.

So, the baby is quickly on its way (less than 6 weeks to go!) and I won't be prepared. Which I am sure you already knew, because how could one be prepared for that? But apparently I am a slow learner, and am just realizing that the best preparation for me is to realize that I will not be prepared. I will not have it all together; I will not know what I am doing. And that is okay--sort of--or, I guess I want it to be okay.