A Day in the Life

This is the hardest "job" I have ever had. And the sweet times are the sweetest I have ever had. In no way could I have anticipated the range of emotions that motherhood brings. It highlights my strengths and unfortunately the areas where I am broken. It puts so many things into perspective. Right now I feel exhausted and peaceful. Caiden is asleep on me and despite today being strage for his eating and sleeping patterns, I was able to do things that feel like I am not only "mom". I am excited about the homemade bread that is about to go in the oven to share with friends over dinner. And I can't believe how much longer it took to make for the many breaks I needed to take.

More than anything, the frustrations I have are at myself. And what God is teaching me through this glorious and difficult season. I am finite. And I hate it. I cannot do or feel or act in all the ways that I want to so very badly. My body is more tired and sluggish than I had anticipated 5 weeks after delivery. I am more work-oriented than I want to admit and parenthood makes me slow down. It makes me realize that I cannot do it all, or even if I do all that I want in a day I have nothing left to give to my husband and child. It makes me look at what is important. And sometimes I am frustrated because if I am honest about what I think is important, it is not always what is good or right.

It is crazy to think that Caiden will be with us forever. Not always in our home, but with us. Our family is going to be the greatest sense of both community and ministry that we will ever experience and I often don't feel equipped for the task. It is amazing how much I can love this little person who has nothing to give back. It is also amazing how selfish I am and how much I am used to doing what I want when I want.

My days go by fast, way too fast. And I cannot get done all that is on my to do list. I actually stopped writing to do lists, but I can't seem to stop writing them in my head. I am trying to stay in the present and see what the Lord has for me there--in tiredness, in nursing, in carrying him on my belly (again), in not taking showers until midday, in naps at random hours (8 am nap anyone?). It feels so unnatural to me, this new life, and I am sure there will be a day when I can't remember it otherwise.

For now, I am thankful. Thankful for my sweet son strapped to me and fresh bread :)